Ask Em
by Jaq's-Out-Punching-Werewolves
Summary: Emmett takes a job to be a magazine collum righter for teens who need advice, but soon more then teens start sending in questions for Em to awnser. you can get involved by sending your question for Ask Em in a review or PM! warning might swear!
1. Ask Em

**Basically this is the story line: Emmett is one day randomly looking in the paper in the job sections for no reason what so ever when he stumbles across an add for a help collum for teens, but soon everyone is seeking Email Emily's advise.**

**This chapter is short sorry but they will be longer. you can send in your AskEm questions in reviews or PM's and i'll put them in with Emmett awnsering them!**

EMPOV:

I loved looking through at Saturday newspaper to see what jobs were open when I spotted it! It was for some teenage magazine that I didn't care looking at the name for. I used my vampire speed to run and grab the closet phone to me to call up the magazine.

"Hello Blunt Magazine, Carla speaking. How may I help you today?" a female voice asked over the other end of the phone.

I put on the best female voice that I could and I spoke back to her.

"Hi, my name is Emily I was calling about the job offer." I have to say I have an awesome female voice.

"Ok Emily, if you hold on one second I will put you through to the head editor. Please don't hang up, you will be on hold." She spoke sweetly to me, before a beep sounded and music started playing. It was the sound of Parkway Drive's Romance is dead.

I was a bit sad that right before the part where they say "Bitch" the phone made another beep and another female voice came onto the line.

"Jaq, editor of Blunt. How may I help you Emily?"

Putting my girl voice back on I replied.

"Hi Jaq, I was wanting to know a little more about that job you had on offer in the paper."

"Then I will cut it short, cause you know why Emily." I didn't get a chance to reply before she said "you sound like a great gal and I would love to higher you. So heres the thing, in the magazine you will have a collum of different questions that you have to reply to. The questions will be sent to an email we set up for you and then you email them to me every week. Sound good. Great."

"Sure I would love to take the job and it sounds great, but I have something to tell you first." I said slowly letting my female voice fade before I continued to speak. "My name is actually Emmett, but in the magazine can it be Em?"

Jaq chuckled at the end of the line before it died "I like you a lot Emmett, you're employed, and that's fine. Send me an email of where you live so that I can send you your weekly check. My email is and your email is going to be set up right now called , you can go onto the staff's website to get to the email, and that is .com" she said before saying good bye and hanging up.

**To AskEm, send in a review or PM to Jaq's_Out_Punching_Werewolves**


	2. Bitchy Gal Friend

**Ok this chapter is up faster then i thought it would be, for the three people who sent in questions reviews thanks again for them, i have had to edit your question a little bit though to fit in with the story a bit more because i have something coming up!**

**Ask Em yourself in a Review or Pm!**

Dear Em,

At school there is this guy called Edward, and my friend is super obsessed with him. So I was wondering if you could kill his girlfriend Bella for me so that she can have him as she is doing my head in with all the complaining she dose.  
Love Anonyms.

P.S if you could also kill Edward's sister Rosalie too, that would be awesome!

Em: ok because this is an ask column I suppose that you can ask whatever you want but for Christ sake! I can't go around killing people; it's not as if I'm some killing machine who can kill someone in a second. And if this guy wanted your friend then he would dump his girlfriend to get with her, but clearly this Bella hasn't been dumped so, here is my advice for you. Fuck off you stupid bitch and leave this guys girlfriend alone.

Dear Em,

I am so in love with this guy in my school called Edward Cullen. But I need help to get him to notice me! I also have a thing for his brother Jasper and Dad Carlisle (who I would get a check up from any day), but they have this other brother called Emmett and he is a bit odd. With you being a girl you would understand my predicament that is constantly jabbing at my heart whenever I see them!  
From Jessica Stanley.

Em: Jessica, I totally know what you mean! The constant jab that you have is simple, they don't want you, and if you dis there family like that then they are going to hate you even more! I can't imagine what this Emmett guy did to make you think that he is odd, but if you want a way to these guys hearts then come forward and admit your true feelings for them.

Hey Em,

I usually give advice to my cause they always asked me even if I  
haven't experienced the situation they're asking advice about and so far all  
my advices work but what if the advice I gave for a situation I'm not familiar  
with don't work, what should I do?  
-clueless advisor

Em: in all of my time doing this job I have come to find that there are some questions where you just have to go all out for. To show you what I mean this is a rough idea of what someone else sent into another magazine a few years back. This person asked how to get there parent to let them see this band since they just turned 14 and always wanted to go to a gig. The advisor replied saying that they should tell their parents that the band is letting them go moshing with them then after the show there were going to smoke some crack. But this letter had in a few swear words directed at the parents as well.

Dear Em,

I have no friends! They all keep on ditching me to go and hang out with this new girl who for some reason hates my guts! I don't know why she dose but she just dose! I have tried going to take to her but she just calls out mean things before all my friends laugh at me!  
What should I do?  
From Lonely

Em: girl I feel for you, I can sense your discomfort with being by yourself. You were probs once the most popular girl in the school, and everyone wanted to talk to you, but since this new person has come along your friends have seen through you a ditched you for someone just like you. Instead of being mean all of the time to other people try being nice to them and your friends will slowly come back to you, but don't get all bitchly gal friend and be that bitchy fake nice that you know you have always been.

EMPOV:

I sent the emails off to Jaq just as I was heading out the door to school, knowing full well that the Anonymous person had to have been from Forks and most likely Lauren too. But I can't wait to see what happens when Jessica gets my reply!

**Want to Ask Em? send me a PM or a Review with your question! (please not that questions dont have to be twilight related, they can be anything!)**


	3. Love

**ok so it's not supre long and only has 3 questions but has a longer bit at the end, so yeh...**

**check out some of my other stories.**

**sorry for not updating Exams are coming up so i wont be updating for 2 weeks when they are over, so heads up.**

**only one person asked a question the 2nd two i just made up off the top of my head so they dont relate to anyway and NO ONE take the advice from it otherwise...**

This Week:

Ask Em on Love.

Dear Em,

Sometimes my boyfriend Emmett gets a little carried away. He has an odd liking of... bears. It's very odd. And he gets a bit obsessed with... other things. Help?

From Rose C.

Em: maybe you should open up to his ways and accept that he is just how he is. If you love this guy, then screw him like a female bear would. I'm sure that he would love that if he loves bears. You could even dress up in a bear costume for him. As for the other things join in with him, if he wanted to jump out a plane then you jump out of that fucking plane with him while kissing or doing more with him.

Dear Em,

I have to tell my parents that I'm a lesbian, please help! My parents are the whole catholic people who would call me a sinner and so forth.

-

Em: ok you should start it off my going out and grabbing yourself a girl and take her home. She should hang around a bit and let your parents walk in on you two kissing. Go stay at a motel and wait for your parents to come and talk to you about it. I'm guessing that your mother is a complete cow, and if someone was to shoot said cow then she could be a holy cow, but anyway. Your father if your mother is a controlling cow will come and talk to you, or the other way around.

Dear Em,

I am dating my teacher! At first I caught him looking at me during P.E and when I asked him about it we somehow got kissing and now it is totally out of control! AH!

Teacher Dater.

Em: hm, this is something that I have come across many times in my life. The classic teacher dater. Here is what I have told people to do in the past. Go and jump into a freezing river and try to smash your head onto some rocks at the same time. Hopefully this ill knock some scene into you people! What is so great about dating a teacher? He probably acts like a jerk to you in front of other people anyway.

EMPOV:

I clicked on the send button and remembered the events that had come out over the past couple of days after the last issue came out.

-DAY OF LAST ISSUE RELISHED-

Jessica and Lauren were reading something inside Jessica's locker before she let out a loud gasp and cried out!

"What did I ever do to her? Why would she be so mean! All I did was ask her a question! This Em chick is such a bitch!" she complained to Lauren as she shut the locker and walked off. When she passed Edward she let her fingers pinch his bum.

Throughout the rest of the day Jessica kept on trying to make moves on Edward and in science Bella finally snapped. You could hear her all the way from my room!

"Jess! What is with you and your obsession with my boyfriend?"Bella cried out and I found out later in the car ride home that Jess had actually KISSED EDWARD!

-BACK TO PRESENT-

After this next issue gets out I can't wait to see how much more will have happened!

**Next issue ask em on friends.**

**anything is welcome as well! put your questions in.**


	4. Ditch The Bitch

**Exams are coming next week but i am posting this at school even though i should be doing work...**

**Next issue is family!**

**This issue:**

**Ask Em about friends.**

Dear Em,

My boyfriend recently broke up with me, and I still feel for him, what should  
I do? Especially since he's showing interest in one of my best friends.

From well... me

Em: This guy sounds like a jerk for jerking you around like this. Think about what he has done over your relationship and you will discover that the signs are all there to show that he was being a jerk. If your friend is a true friend then she will either ask you how you feel about her dating him or simply not date him at all.

Dear Em,

One of my friends is always moody and bitchy towards me but then will suddenly become a caring person when she wants something. I caught her laughing about when I feel over in P.E to one of her other friends who I don't like but put up with her to be nice. It's also a small school and I only moved there a while ago. What should I do about this friend?

From Bella

Em: Bella, you should probably tell Jessica.

**Damn I can't write Jessica. Start over.**

Em: Bella, you should stop putting up with her and just tell her how you feel about the way that things are going in your friendship. I'm sure that even though it is a small school there are people in there that like you, maybe even are head over heels for you. Hang out with the people you know are nice and ditch the bitch. If there was someone who really felt for \you at school then I'm sure that they would be only too happy to make something happen to this cow as well, or even get his family to do it.

Hey Em,

My friend has been acting strange. She has to boys fighting over and I can see that there is more then what is just on the surface that everyone knows. I worry for my friend and her happiness as the person she is seeing matches her like to they are to pieces of a jig-saw puzzle. But then the other guy is being a total jerk. I don't like to pry but I'm scared she is going to harm herself over this.

A.W

Em: A.W, you sound like a really nice friend to be to someone. Your kind heart is filled with worry when something seems not quite right with your friends. You can see past what some people want you to see, but this is not always a good thing. In this case it seems like a bad thing to do. You may have good intentions at heart but if your friend dose not wish to tell you, then maybe you are right in that she wants her privacy. Talk to her boyfriend about your concerns and let your friend know that you are there for her to lean on.

EMPOV:

The other night had been great after the next issue had gone out. Rosalie did just what I had told her to do in the column and dressed up for me! Ah, such a fun night that was…

"EMMETT! Get those thoughts out of you head! It's was one thing to have you singing Smashed into Pieces by Silverstain a second ago but now that is wrong and sick. Go get some help!" Edward yelled from his room where he and Bella was pashing.

I had found that if I let my thoughts be singing a song then Edward wouldn't know what I was doing and I had 'bribed' Alice to stay quiet about it with that if she did I wouldn't destroy her credit cars and accidently knock over candles in her wardrobe.

School shall be very interesting after Bella gets my reply.

**please review and send in questions you dont have to send in a question to review!**

**next issue is family**


	5. Fight! Fight! Fight!

**Ok so there is no Ask Em questions in this chapter it is just a setter up chapter for some questions that will arise later on. so dont worry and still send in questions fake or real. this chapter might be just a lot sounding gay as i was trying to go for a funny angle to it.**

**sorry for being such a shit all person and not updating but i hope that now it is holidays that i can update more.**

**You should all go and Read the Darran Shan seires of Vampire books, the first one being Cirque de Freak. they are awsome and will be coming out in the movies on the 7th January 2010!**

**other books to look out for are:**

**The Hunger Games (reccomened by the wonderful stephanie Meyer), i think they are making it a movie too.**

**The Mortal Instruments**

**Vampire Kisses seires**

**Strange Angels**

EMPOV:

The morning after Bella and Edward had read the newest Blunt issue, which was sent to me for free a small –so really the whole school- gathered in the parking lot when Jessica started laughing at Bella falling over, yet again.

"Jess just start being nice ok, stop acting like a princess bitch face." Bella said.

"Just because you feel jealous that Edward is only being nice to you so that he doesn't hurt the new girls feelings, when really he wants me." She purred the last part.

"Jess stop trying to fool yourself. Edward loves me and not you."

"No Bella, you stop and take a good look at yourself. Stop trying to think that Edward would like you and your tomboy ways when he could have the Big Boobed me." She said while pushing her boobs up.

"Ah Jessica, you have some tissues poking out from your bra." Rosalie spoke up unexpectedly.

"Ah no I don't, I just went out and brought implants that go inside yo-" realising what she said she quickly stopped to regain herself "So we don't all have implants and surgery. No wonder Edward never wanted you I doubt he would want to take on Emmett anyway but please there is nothing natural about you." she replied with a smirk.

The whole school was quiet as they waited for Rosalie's reaction.

"Stop kidding yourself little girly. This is all natural. Right Emmett?" she asked looking at me "100% all-natural" I replied.

"Ew, no one wants to hear about your sick love for each other." I quickly grabbed Rose as she tried to dart forward to more than likely strangle Jessica.

"Jess, stop being a two timing bitch." Alice chimed in as I got Rose under control.

"And this is coming from the fashion outcast midget." Jessica snapped. Oh no she did not just go there girl friend.

"Excuse me."

"You heard me _freak_." She said crossing her arms and leaning more on her right leg.

"You must have some fucked up ways of thinking when you can afford to have an outfit for every day and new wear the same thing twice." Alice snapped back, Jaspers hands getting ready to grab her at a seconds notice.

"I'd rather have my own clothing rather than be a bunch of inbreeds!" Jess snared at us just before Lauren arrived and joined in flanking her side.

It was not a Cullen who jumped in, well she soon will be. Bella ran forward and smashed into Jessica as she once again lost her balance on the frosty ash felt. Their heads smashed together as they then toppled onto Lauren.

Suddenly the school was chanting "Fight! Fight! Fight!" as Bella was pushed off a pissed off Jessica, who was getting up from an unconscious Lauren. Edward grabbed the stumbling Bella before Mike could help her. Jessica who thought Mike was helping her grabbed him suddenly so he also slipped over handing on top of Jessica. A loud crack rang out a blood started to seep from Jessica's skill.

Glancing around Jasper and Alice had disappeared and Rosalie was tugging on my arm as Mr. Green Hurried over with Mr. Banner who was muttering under his breath trying to remember what blood type she had tested to in biology last year.

"SOMEONE CALL AND AMBULANCE!" a freshman called out as he rushed forwards checking her for any signs she was dying before Mr. Green pushed him out of the way.

A short way away the sirens could be heard as they rushed for the school.

Once they arrived both Jessica and the still unconscious Lauren we put onto the gurneys to be rushed off to good old Dr. Cullen, I'm sure that Jessica will love that, and Lauren too!

"WHO STARTED THIS?" Mr. Green rang out in a stern voice.

Alice who had suddenly reappeared spoke up, "It was Lauren Sir. She called my family inbreeds, and Bella, being Bella slipped on the frosty ground and rang into Jessica, who collided with Lauren. Mike tried to help Bella up but Jessica thought he was helping her up but he fell on top of her and she smashed her head on the ground. It was all a miss understanding."

She had giving him the truth but leaving out some parts before chiming in again. "And I think that this Magazine might have provoked Jessica thinking that it was Bella writing into the Ask Em Colum. "

"Let me see that." She handed him my magazine where he quickly read through and dismissed it. "Ok, I can see it was all a big understanding, however I shall deal with that inbreeds comment, as that was uncalled for and just plain bitchy." He tucked Blunt into his jacket pocket and walked away but called back out without turning "Anyone not in class right now will have a Monday night detention." Right as the bell rang.

**Please review and tell me if it really was a gay and shit chapter.**

**Shit all updater Jaq**


	6. Update

So I am just giving you guys and update real quick about my stories.

They are coming, I actually have about 30 hand written pages from when I was overseas that I have to type up, but as soon as I got back from Germany after 4 weeks (3 and a half spent at school) I was straight back into homework for year 11. which is really annoying.

I had been planning on getting something up this weakened however I have a ton of stuff due on Monday which includes and essay, 8 weeks of blogging in German, year 12 psych homework, 5 chapters of math's, voice recording in German and history.

However I will try and update next week end or if I get a free weeknight this weekend, sorry about this, but don't give up on me I have also had personal crap…

I would also just like to take the time to explain about my little brother who is 10 and will be undertaking in the World's Greatest Shave 2010.

He needs help from sponsor though so if you want to sponsor him, even a dollar to two:

.?registrationID=324045

His Youtube video is:

.com/watch?v=kUhLEuFQwSo

Facebook Page:

**.com/?ref=logo#!/pages/Worlds-greatest-Shave-2010-by-10-Year-Old-Boy/285851416585?v=info&ref=ts**


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